My first robber!

Last night the most exciting thing ever happened. I came home from R's house at about 11pm I think, a bit tipsy after an afternoon of beers (and the worst film to ever make it to the big screen but more about that later) and went straight to bed after setting myself up with an ample supply of water to stave off any hangover possibilites. Just when I was drifting off into slumber I was brought back to my senses by what sounded like someone walking around above me. There is currently no one living in the apartment above so obviously these noises were a tad concerning. My brain was reluctantly coming out of dream land so it took me a few seconds to figure out that the sound of a sliding door wasn't the cupboard in the apartment above, it was the screen door on my window about a foot from my head. Just as I realised this I heard the wannabe crim trying to open the glass door, attempting to come inside the house I guess. Just yesterday arvo I had been lolling around on the floor in the loungeroom where I set up my futon at night and had spotted these little squares right down the bottom of the sliding door frame. I pressed them - cos I like pressing buttons - and a little block that is desgined to enable you to leave your window open for ventilation while securing the window from being opened from outside popped out. Oooh, I thought, how cute. So I ran around the house to all my windows and popped this little button, thinking not of my safety, but just having heaps of fun with this very satisfactory little popping noise it made. And bloody lucky I did too because if this person had come by any other day that I have been here he would have been able to just slide the door open and waltz right in since I often leave the windows and that door ajar for the fresh air when I am at home, and even when I am not. I reckon this guy thought I was not at home because he was quite noisy really, although I guess he wouldn't have expected me to be sleeping in the loungeroom with my head a foot from where he was planning on breaking in. He was quite persistant, trying the door back and forwards several times but it kept getting stopped by the little safety catch. I lay there listening to him struggle for a few moments and then just decided somehow to do something rather than just lie there and wait for it to be over. I leaned up and pulled the curtain covering the door aside and was face to face with this bloke balancing on my railing, as I opened the curtain I kinda growled "Fuck off!" at him, without really seeing him, just a black figure and he got a huge fright, fell backwards off the railing, stumbled over himself a few times and ran off into the dark, turning a torch on when he was a few metres up the path that goes across the field behind my house. I like to think that he was more scared than I was, especially if he thought no one was at home. I didn't see his face because it was too dark and I wasn't really seeing anything, just looking, it all happened too fast. After he left I lay on my futon listening to my heart thump away for a while, contemplating what might have happened if I hadn't been obsessed with pressing buttons. After a few minutes I got up and went around the house checking all the other windows and closing them all the way. For about an hour I lay there with my ears pricking up at every noise before eventually falling asleep. In the morning I checked outside my window and there was a pair of my undies on the ground, he had clearly been after a souvenir. Lucky he didn't get them because finding undies to fit my massive foreigner bum is not easy here! He must have been an amateur though cos after unclipping them from my clothesline he had dropped them down in front of the door which is very hard to reach without actually climbing right down in there. I have no idea why he tried the window, perhaps he thought I had less daggy undies inside? This morning I considered going to the police and telling them about it, but knowing how inefficient they are, a task like that would likely be very time consuming and I didn't want to waste my Sunday morning telling them the same story over and over again, especially considering that they obviously weren't gonna catch the person who did it when my description of the culprit would be "a black figure".

Anyway, yesterday arvo I was at R's house and we drank beer and made okonomiyaki which was mega yum. We also watched a film called Alexander which I had previously never heard of. It had Colin Farrel, Angelina Jolie and was directed by Oliver Stone and we thought we would be guaranteed at least a half decent show with this kind of talent involved. But OHMYGOD is was so awful. I would go so far as to say it was on par, if not worse than Daredevil. Actually it is probably worse because I'm sure they spent a massive amount of money on this film. If any of you have seen this film I am sure you know what I am talking about. The script was just terrible, you never had any idea what the hell was going on, who was talking about who, or why. The characters had a tendancy to make these little soliloquys, but it was just illogical rambling and never made any sense, they would say one thing and then contradict themselves 2 lines later. The most ridiculous part of the film was when Alexander faces off against an Indian on an elephant with his little black horse! Yep, they have the horse and the elephant rear up in front of each other in slow motion, it is supposed to be all serious and stuff cos this is when Alexander gets jabbed with an arrow - and we were all in tears of laughter at the ludicrous sight of a horse and an elephant facing off. I didn't know that elephants were quite so bloodthirsty as they have been made out in this film! One guy gets skewered by an elephant tusk!! And possibly better than that was the point when, during battle, a few of his generals ride up behind Alexander and tell him some bad news about the right flank and all he says in reply is "AAAAAAARGH!" and then the next scene begins "8 years later". What the fuck?? I wanna try that at work. A Japanese teacher comes up to me all polite and stuff asking me if it's ok to change a class time and I just scream in their face. It's giving me the giggles just thinking about it!

ONLY see this film if you really really want to waste 3 hours of your life or if you are tipsy and feel like a good giggle. Also quite mirthworthy is Colin Farral's hair and his boyfriend's big googly sex eyes. They should put it in the comedy section at the video shop.